Busting through the Inertia

Writing the first post is the hardest, right? I didn’t want it to be too serious, but my thoughts this week have been pretty serious. I’ve been thinking about adoption issues, the ethics of  adoption more precisely  and our role in the system as potential adoptive parents all week and I’m struggling. Why is is so much easier to adopt a new born child here in the US than say the UK? Is this reflection of the dire state of the social safety net? If we are adoptive parents what role are we playing in a system that is so definitely flawed? Green Bean and I have talked about it a little, but not enough.

I wrote earlier this week to Bobby of Those Two Daddies that Green and I were totally cool with growing our family through adoption and then after sending the email realized that wasn’t exactly the case. We are excited about growing our family and know that blood relations are not the only ties that bind families.  However, I do have concerns about adoption ethics and struggle with the thought that our potential gain is probably at the expense of another person, another family. That is why open adoption is particularly of interest if we’re going to embark on this journey.

Like all big decisions you know I’m going to research the bejeezers out of this. I’m hoping we can draw on some of our friends and family who represent all members of the adoption triad, first mother, adopted child and adoptive parent to share some insight. I’m also checking out the blogosphere, oh source of all answers. Ethica, a group focused on ethical adoption that seem a level headed group among a passionate crowd. A friend, whom I’ve never met, sent me the link a blog with great insight about open adoption, This Woman’s Work, and I’ve turned to this blog for a reflective insight on more than one occasion. This topic is something I will return to, to come to terms with or not, over the next little while.  I’m curious about what resources others in our situation used, and how they addressed the ethics aspect?



Filed under Adoption, ethics

7 responses to “Busting through the Inertia

  1. Melissa

    No insight into the adoption issue, but I wanted to say thanks for the new blog. I look forward to reading and learning, as I always do with your writing.

  2. Melissa

    PS I just realized that you’re a three-bean salad.

  3. OK I’m apparently a little dense. It just dawned on me that this is YOUR blog. LOL. Not that I haven’t enjoyed our email chain…I have. I hope I’ve given you some good information, but after reading some posts, I have to add one thing. You said “do have concerns about adoption ethics and struggle with the thought that our potential gain is probably at the expense of another person, another family”. I think that is a right and wrong statement. I’m so glad you’re so concerned about what you leave behind after you go home with the baby. I sincerely believe that everything hinges on the relationship you build with the birthmother in the weeks before the birth. Each case is different. For us, our BM has said more then once what a blessing we are to her, her two daughters, and OUR daughter. Even before birth she made that distinction. She is and always will be connected to us. In our case, we needed a situation where that door was always open to Sabrina. We would not have gone ahead here (and in fact did turn down a situation we felt was very negative) if we didn’t have the feeling we could have a great relationship. We’re going to see her in a few weeks when we go to CA for our final court date, and meet for lunch with her, her girls, and possibly her mother, and we can’t wait for her to see the incredible bundle of love she’s given us. That we can do these things, and know she is good with her decision, means a great deal to us. So you just need to find the situation that works best for you. (Sorry for the comment hijack!)

    • Definitely not dense Bobby, I didn’t publicize it at all 🙂

      Anyway thank you, thank you , thank you. I had an email conversation with one of my oldest and closest friends who is a first mother (see yesterday’s post). I didn’t post the whole email, but it sounds like her sentiments are similar to ‘Lucy’s’ even 20 years on, actually 21 this December. I think what I need to internalize and incorporate into what our adoption can be are insights like the one you give here, or my friends perspective. Adoption isn’t going away and it can be a very positive force. I think This Woman’s Work really does a good job of addressing the issue and what we as potential adoptive parents and adoptive parents can do. Green and I have to make sure, as you and Gregg have that you are part of an ethical adoption triad for the sake of all involved including the very gorgeous Sabrina.

  4. Hello! Just found your blog via Parenthood Path.
    I am an adoptive mother, open domestic adoption. We sound so much a like in our concerns about the ethics of adoption. After much research we decided this was the only way for us. Bobby, who adopted from the same agency we did, is right. It is all about the relationship that you build with the birth mother, which for us has been one of the most fulfilling, eye opening, and special relationship we’ve ever had. Our son’s bm and I both feel that the relationship has opened us up as humans. What is not ethical are those who promise contact and openness and don’t follow through in the end. You can’t fix a birth mothers entire life (although judging by how much our feelings about this are alike you’ll want to and perhaps try to)…what you can do is keep your promises about information flow and being the best parent for your child you can be while keeping in mind the importance of your child’s birth connection. Best wishes. I hope you find the right path for you.
    Lisa T.

  5. Lisa T., I’m not sure how I missed this, but I did and here I am back here again and checking out where you are now. Thank you.

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