Okay,so I shared last time that we have matched and that I wasn’t going to share much more other than we’ll know more in the next month (as in the expectant mother is due within the next month). Well, after thinking about it I think there is some stuff I can share.
1. We’re planning on an open adoption. I think I probably need to explore what we mean by open adoption here as talking with family and friends I realize that Green and I have been immersed in thinking about adoption and specifically open adoption for several years and our friends for the most part have not. We believe that open adoption is the best interest of the adopted child. We’re meeting with the expectant mother and her child pretty often right now, to plan and get to know each other – to build a strong foundation for an open adoption.
2. We’ve questioned ourselves, questioned the nature of adoption, questioned ourselves again. After meeting this expectant mother I have put some (only some*) of my concerns about adoption to rest. I firmly believe that there are times when adoption can be an appropriate choice, that respect should be shown for the expectant parents’ choice to place their child within another family that they feel can parent and raise their child. That this isn’t just about poverty, but that poverty compounds may other issues, and yes a better social safety net would help, but it would not cure all ills. We must all work to address to build a strong social safety net.
3. *There are horrific ethical problems with the adoption ‘industry’ in this country, maybe in all countries. Our little local agency seems to be basically above the fray so far so I should say there are some wonderful people involved too, but I’m fairly disgusted by many attitudes and practices that seem to be prevalent. There are organizations that work to right these wrongs.
4. The woman we’re talking with is not a birthmother, she is an expectant mother. If, and that is a big IF, she chooses to place her child with us she will still be his first mother, Green and I will be his mom and dad. He will have a sibling in Bean and another sibling who we hope he will know through pretty frequent visits.
5. We do not believe that some super natural being, be it God or some other being, planned this child to be with us. And really that would be some sucky arse God to rain down that kind of mess of awful problems that put this expectant mother in a horrible position where this was a decision she is considering. I have to tell you that without a doubt her decision is based firmly in love and firmly in her maternal need to protect her children, and when the time comes she may well make the decision that the best way to do that is to parent.
6. Explaining to a 4.5 year old that they may have a sibling, and more extended family, in the next month, but then again they may not, is really tough. Thinking about how an additional child in the house will effect the relationship between child and parent can be kind of tough anyway. Add the uncertainty of adoption and it makes my brain hurt. Advice gladly accepted.
Yeah, so JUST adopting would suggest that this was a decision made lightly, that while it hopefully will have a whole bunch of incredibly positive aspects, it also has some significant complications and ethical dilemmas that must be addressed. My brain hurts and my heart sings, soars and breaks all at the same time.