I keep delaying posting. I want to talk about adoption, about the process, about what our open adoption looks like, but I’m struggling to find balance in what is mine to share and what is Big Mama’s and Fox’s. Teasing out pieces that are ours alone, or okay to share is difficult, our experiences are of course entwined. Part of the problem is that I’ve already experienced some of ‘those questions’ from kind folks. Questions about how Fox came to be with us, really personal questions as to why we pursued adoption, specifically why Big Mama placed and who she is. I’m not bothered in answering why we entered into the world of adoption and I’m certainly fine in talking about open adoption. I am increasingly uncomfortable about questions about Big Mama. I feel protective of her. I want to respond in such a way that folks understand how amazing she and Big Sis are, that Big Mama is fabulous and complex and she had good reasons and this was an incredibly loving decision. I’m suspicious of questions as to her well-being. Some I know are born out of genuine concern and empathy for her, but sometimes I worry that it is more curiosity than empathy that drives the question.
So let’s get this out of the way.
I think it doesn’t take much to imagine that placing a child for adoption is an incredibly hard and painful decision. That following placement a mother and father feel significant grief. In an open adoption the adoptive parents don’t have the opportunity to turn away from the first parents’ grief, from their pain, and frankly I don’t think we should. So, it is hard for us too, but we need to suck it up (thanks to those, you know who you are, who have been incredibly supportive). We’re also experiencing the wonderfulness of this child and our charge is to provide the most incredible, loving, stable environment for him and Bean that we can. Thinking and stating that adoption is sometimes hard, that open adoption is sometimes hard DOES NOT mean that we regret pursuing open adoption. Big Mama placed Fox with us because she felt was in the best interest of her children. We are in an open adoption because it is in the best interest of the children and Big Mama is just cool.
Sincere questions about open adoption are great, ask away, but statements made questioning the wisdom of open adoption should be made exceedingly carefully. Know that if I think that a question veers into an area that is really about Big Mama or is a something that I would only want Fox to hear from us or Big Mama I’m not going to answer it.
Phew. That said maybe I can get back to posting semi-regularly.