How much do I say? Adoption

Fox is now six weeks old. He sleeps less and smiles more. We are venturing out more and more. One issue that comes up over and over again when we’re out is that here we are with a newborn and while I’m not a small woman, I don’t look like I did at six weeks postpartum with Bean. For friends that didn’t know that we were hoping to adopt it is all a bit confusing. I’m hesitant to start conversations with the fact that Fox was adopted, not for some need to deny this fact, but because I don’t want adoption to be the primary identifier of our relationship. I don’t want him to perceive that there is some kind of qualifier on how we love him. I don’t want him to think that the parental love I feel for him is any different than what I feel for Bean, because I tell you, at six weeks into this, that fierce mama love that I feel about Fox is just as present, just as strong as it was with Bean. Will he know he is adopted, heck yes. He will have two mothers, Big Mama and me, in his life. I’m afraid that his first father may never play a significant role. I imagine that adoption may well be a part of who he identifies himself, but hopefully not wholly. I hope that it is one of those things that when new friends say at college give a curious look at the mention of both a Big Mama and a mom, he says “Oh, yeah I have two mothers. I’m adopted. Both Big Mama and Mum have a dry sense/wicked of humor, so look out, I got it via nature and nurture.” That adoption is a secondary comment, not a primary.

One of my best friends when I was in grade, middle and high school was adopted and her mum constantly mentioned it. Like it was a qualifier that explained everything. It was just weird. So while our open adoption relationships may be an everyday part of our lives, I want the world to see Fox as the beautiful, funny, brilliant and love person that he most certainly is first without qualifiers.

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6 Comments

Filed under Adoption, parenting

6 responses to “How much do I say? Adoption

  1. Great point- I completely agree! My Hooper’s adoption isn’t all of who he is, but it is a part of his story, which will be his to tell when he is old enough to want to or not. If it specifically comes up, or if the topic of adoption comes up, it’s one of my favorite topics, and I love to share such a positive experience with those who are interested, but it is not not something I volunteer right away.

  2. Wonderful post, beautiful photos. <3<3<3

  3. Because of who you, Green, and Big Mama are, I think/hope adoption and how it fits into your son’s and your family’s identity will come together comfortably and naturally.

    Looking back, I remember how initially I felt like I needed to “qualify” anybody’s observations of D or us. “Your son is beautiful.” “He is, isn’t he? I can’t take any credit for it. He’s adopted.” Now it rarely comes up…unless we want it to.

    Being an family built by adoption has really expanded my understanding of “difference,” and how it influences identities and relationships. I think I am a better person for that.

  4. Yes sometimes it’s totally relevant and sometimes it need not be mentioned. I give a shout out to my son’s birthparents for his fantastic good health, stunning good looks and amazing temperment – tee hee..!

  5. Heather-bo-bether

    I don’t think I’ve ever told you, but I have two dads. It was a major issue for me at the beginning when that little “detail” came into my life, but it’s just one small part of all that I am now. Fox has two moms, and that will only be one small part of who he is when he’s big! As he gets more life under his belt (so to speak) there will be more and more things that make him who he is, and that he’s adopted will be just one of the many details that make him so lovely. I am so looking forward to hearing about all the little things that will someday make him who he is!

    • Thanks Heather. I can’t believe I didn’t respond to this and I didn’t know this about you. I like hearing this perspective. I talked with our 78 year old neighbor today. A tough old nut. I hadn’t realized she was adopted, but we had a great conversation about it.

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